PIE, n.

An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion.

MUSTANG, n.

An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman.

ABORIGINIES, n.

Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

KILL, v.t.

To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.

APOLOGIZE, v.i.

To lay the foundation for a future offence.

JUSTICE, n.

A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.

DAWN, n.

The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.

DIPLOMACY, n.

The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

REALISM, n.

The art of depicting nature as it is seem by toads. The charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a measuring-worm.

REFUGE, n.

Anything assuring protection to one in peril. Moses and Joshua provided six cities of refuge -- Bezer, Golan, Ramoth, Kadesh, Schekem and Hebron -- to which one who had taken life inadvertently could flee when hunted by relatives of the deceased. This admirable expedient supplied him with wholesome exercise and enabled them to enjoy the pleasures of the chase; whereby the soul of the dead man was appropriately honored by observations akin to the funeral games of
early Greece.

TELEPHONE, n.

An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

TURKEY, n.

A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating.

HAPPINESS, n.

An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

HOMOEOPATHIST, n.

The humorist of the medical profession.

HYENA, n.

A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead. But the medical student does that.

SAUCE, n.

The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven.

SCRIBBLER, n.

A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to one's own.

WEAKNESSES, n.pl.

Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she holds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to the service of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies.

WINE, n.

Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union as "liquor," sometimes as "rum." Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to man.

BATTLE, n.

A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.

BRANDY, n.

A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the- grave and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the time. Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes. Only a hero will venture to drink it.